Tips for the Diplomat's Wife

By: Datin Seri Sharifah Aziah Syed Zainal Abidin
Publish by IDFR MoFA Malaysia 2006

The wives of diplomats play an importants role in support of their husbands abroad. This role cannot be taught or learned in aclassroom. Normally years of experience, keen observation, poise, grace and sosial wisdom that are so necessary in this field.

It is my sincere hope that this handbook will serve as a useful guide for both new diplomats and their wives, as it contains a collection of useful tips based on wealth of experience that would make most people proud. I should also stress the importance of a guide such as this, as it bears much relevance to the image of our country and how we project it as representatives abroad. This essential task inevitably falls not only on diplomat, but also on the diplomat's wife. The mannaer in which she carries herself in both the public and privert spheres would be an important reflection of her own abilities and potential.
by the Advisor of Perwakilan
Datuk Rastam Mohd Isa
30 Okt 2006

The Role of the Diplomat's Wife
1. A diplomat's wife should accompany her husband at post unless specified in a hardship posting, for examples. While her career is important, some sacrifices are also required for the workings wives.

2. Wives should attend a pre-posting course before following her husband at post.

3. A diplomat's wife should take an interest in the history, customs, and current affairs of Malaysia before gaining a better insight of her host country.

4. It is encouraged for wives to understand that their husband's job can go beyond the normal working hours. Being away from home for a length of time and not able to attend to some pressing personal demands are but some of sacrifices that wives have face to support their husband's role as a diplomat. Complement his role and lighten his workload and make his work easier.

5. Be gracios, be tactful and be respectful of others. These are some of the traits that may prove to be an asset to yaour husband's diplomatic career.

6. Criticing the host country is a serious faux-pas. Be sensitive to the local customs, traditions and beliefs.

7. Wives must first become a supportive member of "Perwakilan" before getting himself involved in the activities of local organisations.

8. At post, the diplomat's wife must quickly acquaint herself with the locals, places of interest, shopping malls, restaurants and any other related things that may be useful in carrying out her role.

9. If your command of spoken English is weak, attempts must be made to improve your language skills. Your ability to speak the local language would be an advantage.

10. It is encouraged to take up an activity of interest to diversity your knowledge. Develope a safe and pleasant hobby and continue to educate yourself.

11. Foster 'esprit de corps' at all times not just within the malaysian community but with the wider diplomatic community as well.

12. Avoi back-biting or back-stabbing. It is an unhealthy habit.

13. A diplomat's wife should avoid arguments and quarreling with people. Be mindful of the fact that your 'transient' stay at post really is temporary. Bring home sweet and pleasant memories of your posting. Cherish it forever.

14. It has been said that a good diplomat is one who gets along well with members of the Mission's community first before they can be a good diplomat with the local or foreign community. Likewise, a good diplomat's wife is one who could do all the above and more.

15. Observe the proper code of dressing. At official funtions, wear our national dress Baju Kurung or Kebaya. If the dress code is smart casual, choose one that is presentable- pant suits are a safe bet.

16. Be articulate. When asked for an opinion, say the right thing, choose the right words. Do not hurt anyone. And do not be too familiar with someone you have just met.

17. Living together in a small community can sometimes, it is advisablle to mind your own business. In times of adversity think positive. It is the prerogative of the host to invite who ever they choose to their guests. Do not take offence if you are not invited.

18. Be a friend to all and an enamy to none. Never intrude into the privacy of your colleagues and friends. Respect them. accept all invitations unless you have an unavoidable matter to attend to.

19. Diplomat's wives should avoid grouping amongst themselves at social funtions. They should mingle with the other guests.

20. Do not gossip, especially about the boss or the boss' wife. No one is perfect. Never wash your dirty linen in public. Learn to be discreet.

21. The newly-arrived diplomat's wife should make a courtesy call on the Head of Mission's wife upon arrival before she leaves the post.

22. All wives attached to the Malaysian Mission are automatically members of "Perwakilan". Be supportive of the Head of Mission's wife in her role as Chairman of 'Perwakilan'.

23. Protocol must be observed at all times. Everyone should know their place and position in the overall organisational structure.

24. Be considerate of others whose needs may be different from yours. As much as possible, avoid patronising anyone.

25. Be house proud. Take good care of your house. maintain a clean home and pay extra attention to your toilet/bathroom/powder room and kitchen. This yours and your country's image.

26. Whwn accompanying a VIP's wife on her official visit, the lady in attendance should not take advantage of the outing to do her personal chores at the same time.

27. When your husband is posted to a difficult post, support him and do not give him unneccessary stress by complaining about the place. Wives should be happy to be with their husband and their children wherever they assigned.

Royal Palace Protocol

1. It is important to conduct appropriate behaviour in any environment, especially in the presence of the Rulers.

2. Do not speak unless spoken to.

3. Refer yourself as 'patik'. and not 'saya' or ' I'.

4. Avoid wearing the colour yellow in the presence of the rulers, avoid using the colour white when attending a royal funeral, no purple in presence of Perak Royalty, and no royal blue in the presence of the Johor royalty.

5. Do not sit cross legged.

6. Point only with the thumb of your right hand.

7. Never walk infront of the ruler. If need be, walk at an angle or ask "Mohon Ampun Tuanku Patik terpaksa...."

8. When dining , do not begin before the Guests of Honour, and stop when they stop eating.

9. Only offer your hand for a handshake after they extend their hand to you.

10. Do not leave before the Guests of Honour.

11. Do not be too familiar with members of royalty to the extent that you may forget the royal protocol.

12.When presenting a gift, remember the following:
a. inform the palace of your intention
b. Present the gift on a tray with yellow doily/ tray cover
c. Do not expect the Ruler to hold or take the gift from you. Ensure that someone will take the gift away.

13. When seated with the Ruler place your right hands in your lap, with the right hand over the left.

14. When standing always fold your hand in front of you or leave at your sides. Avoid putting your hands behind your back.

15. Never turn your back to the Rulers take three steps backward, before leaving the room.

16. Sleeveless shirts/dresses should not be worn in the palace. Be conservative in your dressing. Use the National dress in the royal presence.

17. It is advisable to wear shoes which are closed toe/court shoes for official functions.

18. Common royal words to remember:
a. makan -santap
b. minum- santap minum
c. mandi- bersiram
d. to go- berangkat
e. balik- berangkat pulang
f. tidur-beradu
g. saya-patik
h. beri-sembah
i. minta diri-mohon
j. sakit-gering
k. marah-murka
l. terima kasih-menjunjung kasih

The Ambassador's Wife

1. During an official visit at post, it is common courtesy for an Ambassador's wife to brief the Foreingn Minister's wife on programme upon arrival and before meeting the First Lady.

2. The Ambassador's wife should make a conscious effort to ensure that the Foreign Minister's wife is not sideline during a visit.

3. When inviting the First Lady from her suite, the Ambassador's wife should accompany the Foreign Minister's wife and together invite the First Lady.

4. The Foreign Minister's wife is to be included in the motorcade throughout any VIP visit involving wives.

5. After the intense preparation expended for an official visit, it is fair that wives at post be given an opportunity to meet the official guests and their wives.

6. manage your time well. If you are the hostess, make sure that you are ready to receive your guest when they arrive.

7. A gracious hostess is always considerate to her guests. When serving food, she must be sensitive to the dietry needs of her guests. The ambience she provides should be pleaseant and comfortable and her company interesting. An Ambassador's wife must complement her husband's role and reflect her malaysian identity.

8. An Ambassador's wife should treat the officer's wives fairly. If assistance is required from wives to cook for official functions, it is a good gesture to reimburse them for their effort, either in cash or kind.

9. It is never an easy task to manage the household staff. Whilst the role of an Ambassador weighs heavily on the aspect of entertaining, household staff should never be exploited or abused. Provide them with the comforts of home and ensure that their welfare is not neglected.

10. You are the leader. As Chairman of 'Perwakilan' at post, the Ambassador wife is a leader and therefore must exercise her role accordingly.

11. Possesing interpersonal skills is an asset. Listen to the problems of the community. Be a big sister, a mother, afriend or an aunt. Lend your shoulder for comfort whwn the situation demands. always ensure that the welfare and well being of the staff and the family at post are not neglected.

12. The Head of Mission either at a big or small mission is an official representative of the Goverment abroad. It is therefore best to leave the running of Mission to Head of Mission alone. Wives and male spouses should stay away from possible controversies and unnecessary allegations.