How do we reduce conflic with our teen and how do we manage it when it arises?

Reduce conflict by:

1. Acting instead of talking. Talking provides opportunity for arguments. eg withdrawing

Leaving yr child and walk into another room is most effective whwn yr child tries to engage you in power struggle. This action dissipates their power. They learn that there are other more acceptable ways of getting what they want.

2. Only giving yr child attention when yr child behaves well.

3. Minimizing mistakes, as we are all imperfect. Build on the positive, not on the negative.

4. Ensuring mutual respect based on the assumption of equality.

Remember:
No habit is maintained if it loses its purpose or its benefits.
Children develop bad habits if they derive the benefit of negative attention.

Boundaries

Set Good Boundries:
1. Lets others know what your limits are and what you are willing to accept or tolerate or
to take responsibility for.

2. Set the parameters tahat allow for natural and logical consequences(result,effect)

Good Boundaries:
1. Do not make someone else responsible for your feelings or actions.

2. Eliminate the need for sarcasm or put-downs.

3. Focus on the long-term relationship, not just the short-term problems, and continue to imply faith in your child through encouragement.

Emotional hooks that may prevent you from setting healthy boundaries with your child

1. Your Individual identity

• My value & worth as a person is dependent on having my children needing me!
• By being my own person & allowing my children to be more independent, our family will be healthier

2. We're happy as we are- let's not change anything!

• Do you have time, space & 7 allowance for you to focus on yourself, your needs, your spouse, each of your children individually, your extended family, your friend, your career, your education, your spiritual beliefs & your personal integrity?
• A healthy intimate family allows for all of the above

3. Irritional Guilt

• Do you have a problem of feeling over-responsible for the welfare of your children & cannot allow them to accept personal responsibility and consequences for their choices?
• This guilt can drive you to tear down your boundaries just to be available to your children at any time, any place & for whatever reason your children need you.

4. Sympathy & compassion vs love

• Are you hooked into believing that your children will only feel loved and will love you if you give more & more of your self?
• It is ok to show compassion & sympathy to your children, but doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your life to 'rescue' them or 'save' them.

5. Helplessness & neediness

• Do you find yourself 'hooked' whwn your children get into the self pity verbal or non-verbal cues of 'poor me' , 'how tough life has been', ' look what you've done to my life' syndrome?
• Try to recognise when you are being manipulated & don't lower your boundaries.

6. Belief that time will make it better

• Do you get hooked into thinking that if you give it enough time, things will improve?
• It is unhealthy to sacrifice large portion of your life invested in a family that isn't going anywhere. Don't be afraid to set time limits, such as in 3 months, if thing haven't improve, our family will seek profesional help.

7. It must be my fault

• Do you get hooked into thinking that maybe if you changed to be more the person your children want you to be, then things would be better?
• The affirmation you get when you make the change is enough to keep you beliving that you are the source of thr problem, yet as you accomplish one thing , another is identified..for example the way you dress, talk, look, socialize etc.

8. Fear of negative outcomes

• are you aware of hooks that keep you from setting boundaries, but afraid to "LET GO " of the control you have for fear of something negative happening to them?
• Maybe you fear your child will go to jail, be homeless, hungry, scared or lonely if you don't FIX their pressing needs or RESCUE them constantly.
• This fear can be debilitating and it feels better to be sucked dry than to watch your children suffer negative consequences.
• You have become a hostage of very powerful, needy, helpless, manipulative 'hostage takers'.
• You can choose to feel responsible for your children's life, but you cannot control or determine the outcome of that life, no matter how hard you try.

9. Idealism or Fantasy Thinking

• Do you have an image of the 'ideal' family and hooked into believing that yours is this way too, no matter how many warning sings are signalled to you?( in denial)?
• Stay reality base and make an efford to accept your children the way they are rather than the way you want them to be.

Identify Your Hooks!! Hooks: Verbal or nonverbal behaviours that get the power struggle started

Examples of Hooks

• certain looks
• particular actions
• certains words